


Private Fears in Public Places

by ecofriendlyalien



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety!Connor, Depression! Connor, Highschool AU, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 11:20:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8141920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ecofriendlyalien/pseuds/ecofriendlyalien
Summary: "Kevin, 8:20pm: We’re friends, right?Connor, 8:25pm: yeah, why do you ask?Kevin, 8:25pm: Friend’s don’t lie, Connor" A (mostly coping) fanfic in which Kevin helps Connor a lot and gay happens.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is extremely serious. This work has a graphic scene that involved Conversion Therapy. I am in no way romancing this, and if you think Conversion Therapy is in any way a good AU or anything of the sort, I really don't want you reading this fic. Because it's not that, it's life ruining. 
> 
> That being said, this fanfic was mostly me coping with some stuff internalized stuff by making Connor as broken as possible. 
> 
> Trigger warnings include, Conversion therapy, abuse, internalized homophobia, and religion (as well as renouncing of faith.) 
> 
> Please be cautious reading this, and enjoy. 
> 
> -Greed

Kevin still remembered how he first felt when he laid eyes on Connor McKinley. A redhead boy who sat alone in his history class. 

Connor jumped as the teacher called out his name, and Kevin instantly found himself apprehensive, yet intrigued. 

“McKinley, why don’t you show Mister Price around? I’m assigning you to be his buddy for the day.” The teacher said, she seemed like she had good intentions but Connor just looked nervous and some of the others in class had started laughing. 

“Yes Ma’am.” Connor murmured, rubbing the back of his neck. He gave Kevin a bright smile as he sat down next to him. 

“So, you’re new here?” Connor asked in a hushed tone as the teacher began shuffling her papers to begin the class. 

“Yeah, I’m Kevin.” 

“Connor.” The boy introduced. 

They stopped speaking after that, the teacher had started talking and Kevin needed to pay attention. It was expected of him to have perfect grades and he fully intended to live up to that expectation. And yet he kept stealing glances over at the freckled boy next to him. Something about him intrigued Kevin, it was a weird feeling, yet not unwelcome. 

The day of school had flown by pretty quickly. Connor had shown Kevin around the school, telling him which students could be mean and who was cool. He had even introduced him to his very few friends.  
Arnold, Naba, James, and Chris- nicknamed Poptarts.

They ate lunch together, though Kevin listened more than he contributed to the conversation. He happened to look over at Connor every once in awhile, curiosity about the boy leaving him unable to concentrate. And he could have sworn he saw Connor looking at him as well; but chalked it up to Kevin being the new kid and therefore a ‘shiny toy.’ 

Arnold (a short and chubby dark haired boy with huge glasses) took the biggest liking to Kevin immediately. Calling him his ‘best friend’ even though they had hardly met even an hour ago. 

After school Connor gave Kevin his cell-phone number and told him that if he needed anything to let him know.  
Kevin was touched by the sentiment, yet for some reason, although he had never been a nervous person, he found himself squirming at the idea of texting Connor first.

-o0o- 

That night Kevin had came home from school and immediately went upstairs to do homework. He wanted to stay on top of his work, and rarely let anything distract him from that. And yet he kept looking over at his phone that sat on his bedside table, wishing the [ping] of a text would alert. And he silently wished it would be Connor texting him. 

That confused him; he had friends at his old school. Not many, but still, he had friends. One’s he had known for years and the thought of them texting him didn’t fill him with the same excitement that the prospect of Connor texting him did. It was strange, but he decided to ignore the feeling. It would be best to focus on his work, and then his prayers. 

That night he prayed to Heavenly Father to help him sort out whatever odd feelings he was having towards his new classmate. 

-o0o-

The next day at school Kevin found himself actively seeking out Connor, and yet couldn’t find any trace of the redhead. Worry filled his stomach as he walked to history class to find Connor’s seat empty. 

At lunch he went and sat with Arnold, Naba, Poptarts, and James. All of whom seemed completely unconcerned with the absence of their friend. 

“Did any of you see Connor today?” 

Arnold was the first to respond, his loud voice bouncing throughout the lunch room.

“Oh! He just doesn’t show up to school sometimes, never bothered to ask why.” He laughed- a boisterous laugh that under other circumstances Kevin might have found to be annoying. 

“Really? What if something’s wrong?” Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“He just gets this way sometimes.” This time it was Poptarts who spoke.  
“I’ve known Connor for years,” he added on, “He’ll be fine!” 

Kevin took his words for it; after all, he had only known Connor for a day. He had no right to be worrying about him. Still, he made a mental note to text Connor when he got home to make sure he was okay. 

And text him he did. 

\-----  
Kevin, 4:30pm: Hey, Connor. You weren’t at school today, you alright? 

Connor, 5:30pm: yeah im fine haha, therapy just ran late today 

Kevin, 5:31pm: Therapy? 

Connor, 5:40pm: i’ll be back at school tomorrow, no worries, you should get to sleep, later buddy 

\------  
The dodging of the question made Kevin nervous, but he decided not to pry. He wasn’t Connor’s mother! Still, the pang of worry was all Kevin could focus on. He prayed that night that Connor would be safe, and again that Heavenly Father would help him through this confusing time. 

He went to sleep that night with his phone in his hand, just in case Connor texted again.

-o0o- 

When he woke up he had three messages, one from a friend back in his hometown which he felt no desire to open, another from Arnold, and one from Connor. 

He opened Arnold’s text first. 

\-------  
Arnold, 3:00am: hey best friend! i cant sleep…! just wondering, do you like steven universe or gravity falls more? do you even like cartoons? if you dont like them then-

\-------  
The message was about three paragraphs long, talking about shows that Kevin knew nothing about. He sighed and decided to answer later, and opened Connors text. 

\-------  
Connor, 4:30am: hey, im about to head to school, decided to leave early to stop by the library  
Connor, 4:31am: anyway, i have a drama class after school today, if you wanna come i can introduce you to some theater friends… you dont have to but if you wanna its in the gym right after school  
Connor, 4:33: see you~

\-------

Kevin wasn’t that into drama, thinking about it, he realized he didn’t have many hobbies other than prayer and school. But the idea of hanging out with Connor was exciting to him, so he got up, got dressed, and went down to eat breakfast. 

“Mom, would it be okay for me to spend time with a friend after school today?” He asked his voice casual although he was nervous of her response. 

“A friend? Of course Kevin! Just make sure to be home before 7pm so we can go ov-.” 

Most of her words were blurred after she said yes, and he just smiled and nodded and said ‘yes, of course,” at certain cues. 

-o0o-

School was more or less the same, except Connor was back, wearing an oversized hoodie that looked much too hot for the weather. In history class, the only class where they sat near each other, Kevin would keep sneaking glimpses at Connor. Every once in awhile Connor would notice and a blush would spread across his face, and he would give Kevin a grin which caused Kevin’s heart to flutter. 

His mind was so confused and it was visible on his face, he tried to pay attention to the teacher but his mind was a mess. Was this normal? To feel like this for a friend? It was just strong platonic attraction, Kevin decided on. That was all this was. 

Connor didn’t eat during lunch but instead would leech off of some of the food Naba had on her tray.  
Kevin also took note of how tired Connor looked today and how Poptarts would keep giving Connor worried glances whenever his head would start loll off in one direction. 

“How did you sleep, Connor?” Kevin finally asked, breaking off the conversation James and Arnold were having about some show they started watching together. 

Connor’s eyes widened, “oh, I slept fine. I’m just sleepy, tiring day haha, and you?” 

Kevin disliked the change in direction about the conversation but he answered, “Just fine.” 

Connor smiled at that and despite his worry Kevin found himself soothed by the grin. 

Throughout the day Connor started to look more alive, expressing to Kevin how excited he was that Kevin was going to go to Class with him. That none of his other friends had even indulged him in going to Drama with him. 

Kevin found this odd but just gave Connor a smile.

“Yes, well. I excel in everything, I’m sure Drama will be the same.” 

Connor laughed at that, “sure, of course.” 

Kevin sensed the doubt in Connor’s voice and scrunched up his nose at him. Now even more determined to do well in the class just to prove the smaller boy wrong. 

They walked into the class and Connor was greeted by several girls and two other boys. 

“Connor! Who’s your friend?” Said a blonde girl excitedly, skipping over to greet them. She was cute Kevin supposed, with short blonde hair and soft brown eyes. She grinned at them and Kevin gave a smile in return, yet he didn’t feel the same pang of lightness in his chest he did when he saw Connor smile. 

“Becca, this is Kevin, he’s new here!” Connor said excitedly. 

She looked Kevin up and down and made an eyebrow movement that made him rather uncomfortable. His crossed his arms in a defensive manner and visibly straightened his back, refusing to look her in the eye. 

“Hello, nice to meet you,” Kevin said formally, not bothering to give her any of the pleasantries of a usual greeting. 

Becca smiled and bit on her lower lip, “pleasures all mine.” 

Kevin looked over at Connor, who looked slightly miffed at the turn of conversation. 

“Anyway, Kevin-” Connor interrupted, breaking the eye contact between the blonde and Kevin. He nudged his shoulder, and led him away from Becca.  
At this gesture Kevin found himself feeling a little guilty, maybe Connor had a thing for the blonde and was upset that she had taken an interest in Kevin? He made a soft sighing noise before stopping where Connor had led him. 

“Becca helps with writing, over there-.” Connor pointed to a short chubby girl with frizzy black hair, “is Nicky, she does makeup-.” 

“And what do you do?” Kevin asked curiously. 

A blush spread across Connor’s face and he laughed softly, “costumes and choreography,” he admitted sheepishly. 

“You dance?” Kevin asked, a little impressed, and he supposed this did explain how in shape Connor looked despite not seeming like the athletic type. 

“Yes, and sew, I love tap dancing most of all but I can never get the others on board with that.” Connor laughed and lifted his arm to rub the back of his neck, “for some reason.”

In the process of lifting up his arm, the sleeve of Connor’s sweater lifted ever so slightly, showing his hands which had intricate burn like scars on them. Wrapping around like wires. 

Kevin was instantly concerned, his eyes widening and fear etching across his features. Has someone hurt Connor? He was so upset by the idea of someone hurting this boy he just met three days ago it almost took him by surprise. 

“What happened to your hand?” Kevin asked, his voice low, while he didn’t hesitate to ask what had happened he didn’t want to draw attention to the two of them. 

Connor looked instantly panicked, lowering his arm so the hoodie sleeves would cover his hand once more. 

“I was cooking this morning, burned my hand on the stove.” Connor smiled. 

The lie was so smooth that if Kevin hadn’t seen how small and purposeful the scars were he probably would have believed Connor. 

“You know,” Kevin said matter-of-factly, “lying is a sin, Connor.” 

Connor seemed to flinch at that and Kevin nearly regretted his words, but he was too preoccupied in getting to the bottom of the scars that he didn’t pause. 

“What happened? Did someone hurt you?” 

“No, Kevin, jeez-! I’m fine, it was just an accident.” 

“That didn’t look like an accident.” Kevin said accusingly, crossing his arms. 

Connor brought in a sharp intake of breath and then sighed, his exhale wavering like he was about to start crying.  
“Frankly, I don’t believe my body is any of your business.” Connor said defensively, “I don’t feel well, I’m going home. Sorry for dragging you along, Kevin.” 

And without another word Connor had left the room, leaving Kevin there with a group of strangers staring at him. 

-o0o-

\--------  
Kevin, 6:00pm: Arnold, hey? Have you heard from Connor, he’s not texting me back…

Arnold, 6:00pm: no D: I can ask naba or poptarts, theyre usually hanging out.  
Arnold, 6:01pm: did something happen? 

Kevin, 6:01pm: Yeah I guess, I was just trying to help. 

Arnold, 6:03pm: yeah im sure D: well shoot! dont worry buddy, connor is kinda touchy about certain stuff, like puppies, he started crying in class once when he saw a stray dog wandering around the school yard

Kevin, 6:04pm: Really? Wow haha… Still, I don’t know, he seemed pretty upset. 

Arnold, 6:04pm: you seem to reeeeally be worried about him 

Kevin, 6:06pm: Err…. Yeah, I mean… I guess it's cause it was my fault? 

Arnold, 6:06pm: yeah sure hahaha  
Arnold, 6:06pm: oh! nabas calling, i’ll text you later, best friend~!! :D

\--------  
Kevin wasn’t sure what to make of Arnold’s words. He seemed to be insinuating some kind of feelings that were for sure not happening. After all, men couldn’t have such strong feelings for each other. That wasn’t a thing that could happen. 

Kevin had upset a lot of people in his lifetime, and the idea of upsetting Connor made him more worried than he had ever been before. What if Connor hated him now? 

He sunk down on his bed, plugging in his phone he laid down and closed his eyes.  
Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut? He always had to be so nosy about everything, didn’t he? 

While he was mentally beating himself up he faintly heard his phone go off, slowly he opened his eyes, looking at the too-bright screen. 

Connor had texted him. 

Rubbing his eyes he sat up, ready for whatever kind of mad telling off he was about to get from Connor. 

\--------  
Connor, 8:14pm: hey, sorry about earlier 

Kevin, 8:14pm: No, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. 

Connor, 8:14pm: no, you shouldnt have hahaha, but you were worried, i mean other than mild embarrassment its kind of cute and sweet

\--------  
Kevin’s heart raced at that, did Connor really think he was cute and sweet? 

\--------  
Kevin, 8:15pm: Are you up to telling me what really happened? You were acting weird all day, I mean; I know we only met a few days ago. I don’t know what’s “normal” for you but…

Connor, 8:20pm: no youre right i was acting weird, i didnt get a lot of sleep, i hurt my hand, wasnt in the best mood haha

Kevin, 8:20pm: We’re friends, right? 

Connor, 8:25pm: yeah, why do you ask? 

Kevin, 8:25pm: Friend’s don’t lie, Connor. 

Connor, 8:27pm: listen! its nothing i cant handle on my own! i have to go, night kevin

\--------  
Kevin sighed, placing his head in his hands. What was he going to do? He knew he had to help Connor. Something obviously wasn’t right here, but how? 

-o0o- 

Connor ignored Kevin for most of the day. He didn’t speak to him during class, or in the hallway. Kevin was really worried now that he had done something wrong, but instead he just focused on his work. He was determined to be amazing at everything he did, school most of all. And if Connor didn’t want to talk to him then fine, less of a distraction then.

Still, there was an aching feeling in his chest whenever he glanced over at Connor and Connor wasn’t looking at him. The redhead’s usual smile replaced by a frown and tired eyes. 

Connor didn’t even go to lunch. Kevin was walking to the cafeteria when he noticed Connor leaving the building. An adult accompanying him outside, who Kevin assumed was one of Connor’s parents. He almost wanted to race after Connor and ask what was happening, but decided against it. He couldn’t be late, after all. He would not have any kind of lateness on his record. 

At lunch Kevin decided to not voice his concern, after Arnold’s words last night he was worried he was becoming too obsessed with Connor McKinley and instead decided to talk to Arnold. Who was gushing about some a movie that had just come out that Kevin had never heard of. 

“I’ve never even heard of that.” Kevin voiced his thought aloud.

The group was a collection of, “what?! You’ve never seen it??” or “oh come on, it’s not that popular.” 

Kevin was glad for the distraction; he really did like the others. Arnold was extremely friendly, and Naba’s optimistic approach to things was refreshing. James and Poptarts seemed more interested in each other than the group, but were still fun. And Poptarts seemed to be the only other one even mildly concerned about Connor. 

The day went by quickly, as soon as Kevin was home he wanted to text Connor, make sure he was okay. But no, he instead got some dinner his mother had left out for him and watched TV with his brother Jack. 

But every few minutes Kevin would check his phone, just in case he got a text. 

-o0o-

Things seemed to be getting better. It had been about three weeks since Kevin had came to this school.  
Arnold would invite him over to watch TV with him. Which Kevin would usually go do, because he did like being around Arnold, but he would be doing his homework instead of watching TV. 

Kevin would talk to Arnold about Connor a lot, which Arnold assured him that it didn’t annoy him like he was worried it would have. Arnold was just as into Kevin figuring out his feelings as Kevin was.

Arnold always seemed like he wanted to tell Kevin something whenever they spoke about his feelings. But would bite his tongue and say something nonsensical or lie about what he had been about to say.

And as for Connor, he and Kevin had hung out a few times outside of school. Connor would go to Kevin’s house to study. Or they would all hang out as a group at the park. It was nice, and while Kevin could tell sometimes his boastful nature could annoy the others, he still felt like he was wanted here.

He was still worried about Connor and he had taken up entire days just to figuring out what not to do around him, and what made Connor happy.

Connor didn’t like being touched. Especially on his hands, which still had the red burn scars on them, though Kevin realized were a lot older than he thought at first. Connor loved musicals, especially Rent. He proudly claimed that he could sing every lyric, completely memorized. Though he never sang in front of Kevin. 

While Kevin wasn’t interested in musicals in the least, he would still listen to Connor ramble on and on about them. Just because Connor would get flustered and smile and even giggly. 

Connor was funny, he was caring, he was sweet, and he was scared. 

Kevin wasn’t sure what was going on, but little things would made Connor flinch, whenever he seemed to be getting happy he would turn pale and excuse himself. And Kevin could have sworn a few times he heard Connor vomiting in the bathroom when that happened. 

Every once in awhile he would come into school looking so tired Kevin was afraid he was going to fall asleep on the way to class and just collapse in the hall. 

And while they texted nearly nightly, Kevin still was hard pressed to get any information out about Connor. He would ask, and Connor would ignore it or change the subject. 

Kevin had never been so worried about one human being before in his entire life. He knew no one else who ever acted like this, and Kevin was determined to help. Because again, he knew something was wrong, and he knew he was going to fix it no matter what. That’s what Kevin did, he fixed things. It was expected of him to improve everything around him. Always. 

-o0o-

Connor and Kevin had made plans to hang out today. Just a study ‘session’ at the library. Kevin had called it a ‘study date’ when asking and Connor was quick to correct him. 

“Ooooo~ A date? Cute!” Arnold had laughed when Kevin proposed the study date.

“Dates are romantic, we’re just hanging out as pals. This is a study session.” Connor corrected, putting emphasis on the word ‘session’. 

Arnold giggled and leaned back into his couch, “sure, sure.” 

“Why don’t you and Naba don’t you come along?” Connor asked, Kevin felt his heart sinking. Did Connor not want to hang out alone with him? 

“Wish we could, but we are going on a ‘double date’.” 

Connor’s eyes widened and he smiled, “Oh, a double date?” He said in a curious voice.  
“Do tell, who are the doubles?” 

“Poptarts and James, we’re all gonna go see that new sci-fi movie that just came out! Star T-rex.” 

“Exciting! I was thinking of seeing that, tell me i-” 

“What- wait?!” Kevin interrupted Connor, his mouth gaping and his eyes wide.

“W-What?” Arnold asked, his eyebrows raised, “did you hear the movie was bad?” 

“No, wait, you said Poptarts and James? Are they…? They’re both boys, right? Are they going like as friends??” 

Connor and Arnold looked at each other, giving one another a look that Kevin could tell was a ‘is he serious?’ look. 

“No,” Connor said patiently, “Chris and James are dating, romantically,” he laughed, “I thought it was pretty obvious.” 

“I?? Is that even a thing?” 

“Is what a thing, buddy?” Arnold said, and Kevin was annoyed by the ‘speaking to a toddler’ like voice he had. 

“Boy’s dating boys- That’s… That’s weird, right?” 

Kevin could have sworn Arnolds eyes flashed to Connor for half a second before staring at Kevin once again.

“Not weird but-.” 

“Wrong, it’s wrong.” Connor finally spoke up, and Kevin could hear something odd in Connor’s voice. He was still happy and bubbly but there was something off. Before he could put his finger on it-  
“It’s wrong,” Connor repeated, “they’re both my friends and I love them but- What they’re doing is bad.” 

Arnold looked uncomfortable and Kevin’s eyes flashed between Connor and Arnold rapidly. 

“Oh… Um… Alright?” Kevin said, taken aback by how Connor sounded. 

“I have to go, I’ll see you at the library tomorrow Kev. Best luck with your date, Arnold.” Connor said quickly, standing up off of Arnolds couch, grabbing his backpack, and walking out the door.

Kevin and Arnold sat in silence for a few seconds before Arnold finally let out a loud sigh.

“Well, jeez.” 

“Yeah, that was weird.” Kevin said, laughing nervously. Arnold still looked uncomfortable with the situation and Kevin thought it would be best to change the subject away from Connor. 

“So, Poptarts and James are dating?” He asked, nerves still in his voice. 

“Yep, and don’t listen to what Connor said, they’re not wrong or bad or whatever!” 

“Really?” 

“No way! I mean, I guess it’s all opinions and stuff, but I think gay people are way cool.” 

“Gay?” 

“Yeah, like when you’re a boy and you like boys. Or if a girl likes a girl! Do you seriously not know about this stuff? You’re 18 and you’ve never heard of gay people?” 

“Uh, no? I mean, I’m not allowed on the internet, unless it’s for school, and my phone only has texting and calling. So I guess I didn’t err… have the chance to even look into that?” 

“Oh my god, really? You’re not like, super Christian or whatever, are you?” 

Kevin crossed his arms, “no way, I’m Mormon!” He said proudly. 

Arnold made a weird face that Kevin did not take for a good sign.

“What?” Kevin said, letting his arms drop. 

“Oh, I don’t know. My parents are Mormon too, I didn’t really get into it. It was so boring!” His eyes widened, “I mean! No offense but-.” 

“No, gosh, it’s okay. I mean- Have fun in Hell and all.” He tried to make it sound like a joke but Arnold just looked more uncomfortable. 

“I should probably get going,” Kevin said, realizing if he didn’t just leave he was probably just going to make the situation worse.

“Oh yeah! It’s getting late and you and Connor have your… ‘Study session’,” he said in air quotes.

“Um… Yeah, Seeya buddy.” 

“Bye bye best friend!!” 

It was oddly comforting to know Arnold still considered Kevin his best friend even if he had majorly ruined things tonight with his big mouth. 

-o0o-

Kevin woke up at three in the morning feeling worse than he had felt in months. Things he had said last night were flooding his mind, making him feel terrible. He was confused and afraid and he couldn’t fall back asleep. 

He kept thinking about Connor, his feelings towards him, how everything he said seemed to matter so much to Kevin. How he wanted to please him and make him happy- He shook his head when his thought’s started going down the wrong track. 

He grabbed his phone off his bedside table and texted Arnold. 

\---------

Kevin, 3:24am: Hey, are you awake?

Arnold, 3:24am: yeah, im on skype with naba, whats up? 

Kevin, 2:24am: I don’t know, couldn’t sleep. I’m just really confused. 

Arnold, 3:25am: abouuuut? 

Kevin, 3:26am: Connor, I guess. I’m just worried about him. 

Arnold, 3:37am: you have such a mega crush on him haha 

Kevin, 3:27am: What?! No… What?? That’s not even a thing that can happen

Arnold, 3:28am: well sure it is buddy, like when you like like someone you get a crush and you think about them all the time and you worry about them and youre totally crushing on him omg.. 

Kevin, 3:30am: No Arnold, listen. I know crushes can happen, but I can’t like guys! 

Arnold, 3:30am: well why not? 

Kevin, 3:37am: Well… Because that goes against god…? Men and women are supposed to be together, right? I read in my Book of Mormon it’s a sin to be gay, I never knew it meant literal ‘lying with man’. But now I do, and like Connor said, it’s wrong??

Arnold, 3:38am: well i dont know, i dont think its wrong, its all up to opinion i guess 

Arnold, 3:38am: like omg you and connor could be like kirk and spock

Kevin, 3:39am: What?

Arnold, 3:40am: kirk and spock! theyre totally gay, well i mean, they never SAY it i guess but the subtext is all there

Kevin, 3:41am: Um… Okay? Well, I have to go- I don’t want to oversleep and miss my study session tomorrow.

Arnold, 3:42am: have fun with your date!

Kevin, 3:40am: It’s not a date, but okay. 

Arnold, 3:41am: sure! sure! night buddy!

Kevin, 3:42am: Night.

\-------- 

Arnold, 3:41am: hey connor 

Arnold, 3:41am: hey connor 

Arnold, 3:41am: hey connor 

Arnold, 3:41am: hey connor 

Connor, 3:42am: oh my gosh, what?? 

Arnold, 3:43am: do you like kevin? 

Connor, 3:46am: what? like as a friend? yes, hes interesting

Arnold, 3:48am: no >:0 

Arnold, 3:48am: like! like like him! you dont have feelings for him, do you?

Connor, 4:01am: no of course not, im not gay anymore arnold you know that

Connor, 4:04am: uh… why though? did he say something?

Arnold, 4:04am: omg…

Connor, 4:05am: i mean, not that i care at all, im just curious is all! 

Arnold, 4:06am: my lips are sealed mister not gay

Connor, 4:07am: arnold, really, im not gay anymore! i turned all that off, im just curious

Arnold, 4:07am: you should get to sleep, dont wanna miss your date ;0 

Connor, 4:08am: you are so frustrating sometimes… ugh, night

\-------- 

-o0o-

Kevin had a tough time getting to sleep that night. Thoughts about what Arnold had said swarmed in Kevin’s mind, attacking him. Seriously, he couldn’t be gay? Sure, he had never had a crush on a girl before. But he had never crushed on a boy before either? 

Was this Gods way of testing him? Was he testing his devotions? By making him have feelings for the sweetest, funniest, cutest- He groaned. 

-o0o-

Kevin sat next to Connor in the library, his legs crossed with a book in his lap. Connor was covering his eyes, and looking away from Kevin for good measure. 

“Name all the founding fathers, and their places in government. Go-.” 

“Uh- George Washington, President. Alexander Hamilton, Treasury. Thomas Jefferson, secretary of state. John Adam- Uh… Um… Crap.” 

Kevin made a sound of quiz show buzzer going off, a little too loudly because someone shushed them. 

“Ugh, come on Kev there are like, two million founding fathers.” 

“Yes, and you know four.” 

“Psh, the only four that matter.” Connor said dismissively.

“You got Hamilton yet you didn’t get Benjamin Franklin, come on now.” 

Connor blushed and let out a nervous laugh and Kevin raised an eyebrow.

“What?” He asked. 

“Franklin wasn’t in Hamilton.” 

“Come again?” 

“Franklin wasn’t in Hamilton, there’s a musical about Alexander Hamilton and Franklin isn’t mentioned once. Almost everything I know about US history is from that musical.” 

“You are… Such a nerd.” 

“Shut up.” Connor said, blushing. He teasingly nudged Kevin away. Kevin laughed at how defensive Connor got and grinned at him, it was kind of cute how red Connor’s face had gotten. 

Connor stared at Kevin as if he had just seen God. And his face lit up, redder than before. He looked away apparently ashamed of the color of his face and Kevin rose an eyebrow at his friend. 

“What, what’s up?” He asked, concerned about Connor’s odd reaction. 

“Nothing, just, you’re really cute when you smile.” Connor laughed nervously. 

Kevin’s heart raced and he looked away, Connor thought he was cute? 

“Sorry, I uh-.” Connor began, and Kevin looked over to be greeted with Connor looking quiet panicked. 

“Connor, are you gay?” Kevin blurted out, unable to keep the question in his mind any longer. 

Connor’s eyes widened and he looked away, unable to face Kevin. Kevin instantly regretted his question and had the urge to reach over and grab Connor’s chin, forcing him to look at him. But he didn’t, he felt as if that would just make Connor more uncomfortable. 

“Not anymore.” Connor finally said, crossing his arms. He was still unable to look Kevin in the eyes. 

“Not anymore, what do you-.” 

“I’m not anymore!” Connor repeated, finally looking over and giving Kevin a forced smile.  
“I used to be, but now I’m not. Simple as that…” 

“Connor, its okay if you’re-.” 

“But I’m not, Kevin.” Connor said forcefully.  
“I don’t want to talk about it, can we just talk about the founding fathers again.” 

Kevin sighed, “Connor-.” 

“Kevin, please.” Connor sounded so desperate, almost to the point of sounding scared. 

Kevin was scared too now, but for a different reason. What could cause Connor to be so afraid of talking about this?

“Fine, fine. Okay, try again. Name the founding fathers and their places in Government.” 

-o0o- 

“Mom? Can I talk to you?” 

Kevin sat in the kitchen, pencil in hand as he tried and failed to do homework. His mother was doing dishes, and they were the only ones in the house. His father and siblings had gone to a family friend’s house to watch a football game, something Kevin and his mother had no interest in. 

So, Kevin found that this would be the perfect chance to talk to her without anyone else hearing. 

“Of course sweetie, what’s wrong?” She asked, instantly knowing something must be wrong. She was his mother after all. He dropped the plate she had been drying and dried off her hands, sitting next to Kevin. 

“Um, so…” Kevin wasn’t sure where to begin, “mom, how do you feel about gay people?” 

His mother pursed her lips, “why do you ask?” 

“Well, my friends- they’re dating and they’re both boys. I’m just kind of confused, is all. The book of Mormon says that it’s wrong, but they’re both really good people. So, I don’t know how it could be wrong if they’re so nice?” Kevin spilled his thoughts, his words coming quick, as if the floodgates of his mind were finally opening. 

His mother nodded a few times, obviously thinking on her words before she spoke. 

“Kevin, if your friends are gay,” she took a deep breath, “that’s fine. As your father always says, god has a hand in everything, even this.” 

Kevin couldn’t breathe, his lungs felt as if they had stopped working and it took everything for him to not start crying. Partly because of his confusion, mostly because of his relief. 

“Your friends,” his mother continued, “They love each other? Right?” 

Kevin nodded. 

“Then, it’s not a sin. Love is not wrong, and Kevin, if you or any of your siblings are gay, me and your father… We love you, and we’ll be here for you no matter what.” 

Kevin nodded again, unable to speak. 

His mother smiled at him and put a hand on his shoulder, “now then! What do we want for dinner?” 

-o0o-

Kevin, 2:04pm: Arnold I’m gay. 

Arnold, 2:05pm: well duh 

Kevin, 2:05pm: And I have a crush on Connor.

Arnold, 2:05pm: well duh 

Kevin, 2:06pm: What do I do? 

Arnold, 2:07pm: well i dont know? ask him out?? 

Kevin, 2:08pm: But he’s not gay anymore? 

Arnold, 2:10pm: buddy you cant just stop being gay it doesnt work like that, no matter what his therapist says 

Arnold, 2:10pm: i mean.. uh.. 

Arnold, 2:10pm: howd you figure it out? being gay and all? i mean it was super obvious to me but 

Kevin, 2:11pm: Ugh, was it really? I don’t know, honestly. I was talking to my mom and it kind of… clicked? I walked to the library again to use the computer and everything I found said I had a crush and I don’t know it was kind of a mess… 

Arnold, 2:12pm: oh i can only imagine 

Kevin, 2:14pm: I’ve never had a crush before… Everyone from my old school was really boring. It was a Mormon school, but my dad had to move here for work. Nothing but public schools around so… 

Arnold, 2:15pm: yeah yeah 

Kevin, 2:16pm: I mean, I want to ask him out because jeez this crush is a lot bigger deal than I thought it was at first. But if he’s like… refusing to be gay I don’t want to make him uncomfortable and make him hate me?? 

Arnold, 2:17pm: i dont think he’d ever hate you, maybe just wait for him? 

Kevin, 2:19pm: Hhh, I guess. 

Arnold, 2:18pm: winter breaks coming up, a week of no school, maybe you guys can make plans and yaknow… talk about it without having to worry about school? 

Kevin, 2:20pm: That’s actually a really good idea… 

Arnold, 2:20pm: yeah man, i mean, i know what im doing, i am the one with a girlfriend after all ;0 

\-------- 

Connor sat in a room with blue walls and soft grey carpeting. He was here every Monday, in this room that Connor supposed was supposed to be comforting. Whenever he was here his anxiety spiked to unbelievable levels. 

When his dad had caught him kissing Steve was the first time he had been sent to a place like this. 

He was only 14 at the time, and he could still remember exactly how it had gone. He had walked in and the man in front of him had asked what happened and Connor immediately started crying. His dad was called in and told the whole story while a sobbing Connor locked himself in the bathroom of the therapy room. 

Not even a week later he was forced to do different things his father swore would ‘cure’ him of his Curse. His curse was, of course, the fact that he was gay.  
They started out simple, his church would pray for him. He was uncomfortable with this, people coming up to his father and apologizing, saying how sorry they were for his son’s condition. As if he was sick or something, dying even. When in reality he just really really thought boys were cute. 

Then when Connor expressed he still liked boys, knowing it was bad to lie, things got worse. His churches Priest tried to exorcize him, when that didn’t work his father started getting violent. 

He had been choked against a wall by his father as he screamed at him, gasping he was dropped and his father spat on his crumpled body. 

“I’m not letting my son be a-.” 

Connor covered his ears. 

Weeks went by with no new events, and Connor thought maybe his dad had dropped the subject, he thought maybe his dad thought he would solve his problems by ignoring them. Or, by ignoring Connor all together. He never responded to Connor when he tried to talk to him, even completely ignored his birthday. 

Connor had turned 15 without a word. 

Still, Connor found this better than being hit again, or having things thrown at him. 

His father didn’t acknowledge his existence until winter break, and that’s when therapy began. He was put in a dark room and against his will he was forcefully strapped down into a chair, he didn’t know what was going on but he was panicking and sobbing. Soon he the smell of Ammonia filled the room and the TV in front of him started playing male on male pornographic material. 

Soon enough Connor was vomiting, dehydrated, and had the worst migraine he had ever had in his life. He blacked out after an hour.

Conversion therapy had become his life for 3 months. His hands were burnt, or frozen, while he was shown pictures of men kissing. Needles were pricked into his fingers while he looked at men’s bodies. 

He had become so depressed and anxious all the time, and would throw up constantly. But he managed to convince his dad he was Heterosexual, it had worked! The therapy worked he swore! He even started dating a girl for a while, just for good measure, because he knew if he ever went back to therapy he would kill himself. 

His father was ecstatic and everything went back to normal, except now his father had to pay for a different kind of therapy. Because Connor would have nervous breakdowns during school hours, and the school threatened to call CPS if he wasn’t issued a therapist. 

So, every Monday he would go to a Christian therapist who drilled it into his mind that he was better off now. Gave him anxiety medications for the month, and sent him on his way. 

Ten minutes into today’s therapy session and Connor was met with the usual question. 

“Have you been having gay thoughts again?” 

Connor hesitated for the first time in years, because, he had been. He had been, every time he looked at Kevin his heart would race. Being around Kevin felt safe and warm and- Stop… Stop… Turn it off.

“No.” 

-o0o- 

Winter break arrived and Connor had agreed to hang out with Kevin, they were going to go to hang out at Kevin’s house and watch some movies. Connor’s dad was away for work during Winter break, so, like a good ‘trying to impress you’ friend Kevin offered to pick him up. 

Kevin drove his mom’s car a mere ten minute drive to Connor’s house, anticipation in his every breath. He was going to talk to Connor, he had to. He couldn’t keep this under wraps anymore. Even if Connor rejected him, even if Connor hated him- 

He took in a deep breath. Arnold had assured him that Connor wouldn’t hate him, or tell anyone that he was gay. Because honestly, another fear he had was anyone finding out. He would be rejected from the church, even though lately he had been questioning his faith more and more. His mother might support him but what about other family? 

Kevin shook his head, he usually would just let himself be consumed by these thoughts but he couldn’t right now. He had to focus on the road, most importantly. 

He pulled up to Connor’s house, checking the time he realized he was ten minutes earlier than he had said he would be. But oh well, better early than late.  
He got out of the car, letting out a breath of air that in the cold weather was like smoke. 

Walking up to Connor’s door he slowed himself, really thinking about what he was going to do. He was going to talk to Connor, and hey if things went well they would hang out and watch Disney movies. If it didn’t well- sigh. 

He knocked on the door. Once, then twice. No response.  
Was Connor not home? Surly he must be, since Kevin was supposed to be here in ten minutes. Yeah, Connor was a late kind of person but- 

He put his hand on the doorknob, and was surprised to find that the door was unlocked. Should he go in? He guessed he might as well, if Connor wasn’t home he could just wait inside for him. 

Stealing himself he took a deep breath and walked inside, and was instantly greeted with the sound of crying. 

“Connor?” Kevin asked hesitation in his tone. 

The crying was stifled and Kevin froze. Was Connor hurt? He made his way towards the noise, worry filling his chest as he did so. What was he supposed to do? He never had to deal with people like this before, hurt crying people. His family was fairly unemotional, and he didn’t have any friends outside of this group. 

This was all new to him. 

Finally he found himself outside a bedroom door, where the sound of stifled sobbing came from. 

“Connor, is that you?” 

“Go away-!” 

Connor sounded so afraid, Kevin instantly wanted to go to him, see what caused the boy to sound like he was in so much pain. But he kept himself formal, he needed to stay calm. 

“Connor I’m coming in,” he said loudly, and before Connor sound respond he opened the door. 

Connor looked shocked as Kevin stepped inside his room, but his face instantly flashed to confusion, and then- anger? But it was quickly gone. 

“Kevin- get- Get out!” He demanded, his voice broke and he was gasping to speak, any kind of authority he might have held was nowhere to be seen. 

“Con, are you-?” 

Kevin’s words were cut short as Connor reached up, grabbing at his own hair and pulling himself down, as if he was forcing himself to be as small as possible. His entire body was trembling and although the sound was muffled because Connor’s face was in his knees, Kevin could hear he was hyperventilating and sobbing.

Kevin felt stabs of pity and worry coarse throughout him- but his immediate reaction right now was to help Connor with whatever this was. 

He rushed over, sitting next to Connor he placed a hand on the boys shivering back. 

“Connor, hey, I’m here.” He comforted, his entire focus on the sobbing figure next to him. He did his best to sound like his mother did when his sister was upset about one thing or another. A little high pitched, soothing and comforting.  
“You’re not alone, I’m here.” He said softly. 

Without warning Connor sat up, and he clung onto Kevin and Kevin had no objection. He pulled Connor into his arms, letting Connor sob into his chest. Feeling the rapid breathing against himself and the warmth of tears leaking through his shirt. Connor clung onto him for dear life, crumpling his shirt in his hands. Tightly he held onto Kevin, as if he let go he would cease to be. 

Kevin just made soft noises, rubbing up and down Connor’s back gently as he cried. 

“P-please- Please.” Connor stuttered out throughout gasps and sobs, “stay wit- with me.” 

The sheer amount of desperation in Connor’s voice almost brought Kevin to tears. He was so scared, so so scared. Connor was hurting so badly and Kevin wanted to do everything- anything- to make him feel better. God what he wouldn’t do to make Connor happy again, to see Connor smile once more or hear him laugh. 

“I will, I’m here, its okay. You’re okay. I’m here, always.” 

It took maybe ten minutes before Connor’s breathing finally evened out and he was able to come back to reality. 

He started with pulling away from Kevin, and then the gradual calming of sobs until they were nothing more than sniffs. 

“How are you feeling?” 

Connor’s voice was tired, and Kevin swore he could hear something like shame behind it. 

“Fine, I… Sorry I-.” 

“Connor, it’s okay.” 

“I’m fine, I swear I-.” 

“Connor you’re not fine, you were just sobbing in my arms a minute ago. It’s okay, you can talk to me.” 

Connor took in a deep breath and finally words escaped from him, but not in a tone Kevin expected. They were angry, a hiss. 

“You don’t understand, Kevin.” 

Kevin was taken aback, Connor had never been angry at him before. This was startling to say the least, he was so used to the baby faced Connor being so smiley and giggly. Anger did not suit him, and it scared Kevin to death. 

But now he was angry in turn, how dare he? How dare he try and say Kevin didn’t understand when Connor never even gave him a chance to understand. 

“What don’t I understand?!” He spat, his face red with anger and confusion and fear. 

Connor opened his mouth, the anger in his face instantly gone. But it was too late, Kevin was upset now. 

“What don’t I understand?!” He repeated, “I don’t know what I don’t understand because you never tell me, Connor!” 

Kevin’s voice lowered, from a shout to something along the lines of mild annoyance and concern. His face dropped with his tone, sympathetic and worried.

“You never tell me, the second I think I’m finally talking to you, you just put up this… I don’t know… A wall or something? Honestly, this is the first time you’ve been real with me and it wasn’t even on purpose!” 

“I’m worried about you, you’re not okay.” Kevin finally finished, his voice dropping as he spoke. Turning from angry to fear. 

Connor refused to look at Kevin and he watched as Connor stood up, looking out the window so he didn’t have to look at Kevin. 

“I’m fine, Kev. I’m always fine.” Connor finally mumbled out, lifting his hand to hold onto his own arm. 

“You’re not. You’re not fine; no one is always fine!” Kevin shouted, not angrily, but with just utter disbelief in his voice. 

“But I am!” Connor said, finally turning to face Kevin. Connor gave him a forced smile, like he was trying to convey he was happy but the paleness in his skin and redness in his eyes told Kevin otherwise. 

“When was the last time you slept?” Kevin asked accusingly.  
Looking Connor over Kevin noticed that Connor’s eyes were especially sunken, baggy. Even though they were swollen and red from crying, it was still so easy to see the dark bags under the boy’s eyes. 

“Maybe a couple days ago? I don’t know…?” Connor said meekly, “It’s just an insomnia phase, it’ll pass. I’m fine.” 

“Connor I swear to heavenly father if you say you’re fine one more time-.” 

“But I am fine! Listen, it’s just some stuff going on I’ll be fine.” 

Kevin walked over to be next to Connor, concern etched into his features.

“What stuff, Con?” Kevin’s voice was gentler now and he reached over to touch one of Connors hands but Connor pulled away, flinching at his touch. Connor tried to excuse his pulling away as him brushing away his hair. This just made Kevin worry more. 

“-You don’t understand- You wouldn’t- Couldn’t understand –  
You’re Kevin Frickin’ Price. You- You’re top of all our classes, everyone in the school likes you, and you’re amazing at everything you do! You don’t have to worry about stuff like this!” 

Kevin was oddly flattered by Connors words, but was more taken aback than complimented. 

“Connor, come on. Don’t be like that, I mean, yeah I’m pretty great but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand.” 

Connor let out a harsh laugh and shook his head, “you’re perfect. You never had to deal with this. How could you understand? Like… No offense but-.” 

“No, I get it.” Kevin sighed, “But you don’t have to deal with this by yourself. Connor, you’re one of my closest friends, and everyone is worried about you. I can understand!” 

“You don’t get it, Kevin!” Connor suddenly shouted, turning away he took steps back towards his bed. He had never seen Connor this angry before.

“You don’t get it! I’ve been trying so hard to be normal- I take all the pills they tell me to! I g-go to the therapy and tell myself day after day after day that I’m wrong! This was supposed to help- It was helping until you!” 

He froze.

Connor’s expression of guilt and fear at the words he had shouted made Kevin want to go back in time and reverse everything that had happened. Change everything had ever said to cause that expression to cross Connors face.

His stomach sank as Connor looked away, covering his mouth with his hand. Without a word Connor’s eyes filled with tears and he sat back down on his bed, trying again to make himself as small as possible. 

“I’m sorry- I- I shouldn’t have said- I- shouldn’t have said anything I’m sorry.” 

Kevin slowly walked towards Connor, who was covering his mouth and Kevin could tell he was trying to keep himself from shattering again. He sat next to him, eyes on the floor.  
Nothing was said, nothing could be said. 

“Kevin,” Connor finally croaked out after a few seconds of silence, “I’m gay.” 

Kevin looked over at him, eyes widened- 

“I- I’m gay and I have a crush on you, I-I’m so sorry I understand if you hate me or if yo-.” 

Connor’s words were interrupted as suddenly Kevin’s lips were on his. 

In that moment Kevin knew what the entire fuse was about with kissing, Connor’s lips were so unbelievably soft Kevin could finally see why everyone hyped this up so much.  
He could see how he could get lost in Connor’s lips, in his eyes, in his hair- God he wanted this so badly. 

Connor let out a shocked gasp and it took a moment for him to process what was happening but once he did he was kissing him back. Wrapping his arms around Kevin’s neck, trying to pull him closer than he was. 

It took a moment for Kevin to realize Connor was crying again, he pulled away, afraid he was doing something wrong. He had never kissed anyone before after all. 

“N-No,” Connor gasped out as he realized Kevin was pulling away. “Please. Please, I need you- I need you here.” 

Who was Kevin to deny him, and then they were kissing again. This time not as passionate, but Kevin still felt himself getting lost in the feelings, in the scent of Connor, the feeling of his lips against his. 

After what felt like forever but not long enough Kevin finally pulled away, and Connor let him this time. 

“So, uh. I’m gay.” Kevin said breathlessly. 

Connor let out a laugh, a real, loud, happy laugh. It was the sweetest noise Kevin had ever heard, and his face lit up at the noise. 

“Why can’t one hetero guy make out with his hetero friend, in a platonic hetero way-.” Connor joked, he was a mess, but he still had his humor. 

Kevin rolled his eyes and laughed, “Always the funny one, Con.” 

They sat; no words shared but instead smiles and small disbelieving laughs. 

Finally Kevin spoke up, “Connor?” 

He looked over, “yeah?” 

“Do you want to maybe…? Be my boyfriend?” 

Connor looked so shocked, so absolutely floored by the words Kevin was half afraid he was going to say no. 

“Kevin-.” Connors voice was sad again and Kevin steeled himself for rejection, “Kevin, I’m not going to be a good boyfriend. I’m bad at texting back,” 

“Connor, will you be my boyfriend?” Kevin asked again, Connor ignored him. 

“I’m bossy and nosy-!” 

“Connor, will you be my boyfriend?” 

“I have a lot of… Issues. I don’t want to talk about them, but Kevin, I’m going to be such a mess.” 

“Connor, will you be my boyfriend?” 

“I’m going to cry a lot, and have more panic attacks, Kevin I’m going to be so-.” 

“Connor,” Kevin said, his voice firm and he reached over, grabbing Connor’s hands.  
“Will. You. Be. My. Boyfriend?” 

Connor started tearing up. 

“Y-Yes. Yes, oh god, yes.” He choked out, and then he flung himself into Kevin’s arms. 

Kevin’s chest was bursting with over a thousand emotions, of course there was always the fear, the apprehension of everything, but he did not care about that at all- Right now all he could focus on was how happy he was that Connor was his, his boyfriend, his partner, his his his. 

-o0o-

Arnold, 6:20pm: sooooo, howd it go?

Kevin, 6:21pm: My boyfriend says hi. 

Connor, 6:21pm: OMG oh my god!!! ahh!!!!!! finally!!

-o0o- 

When Kevin had come home the night he had asked Connor out, his mother was waiting by the door. Obviously upset Kevin had taken probably over an hour longer than he had said he was going to be gone. But her expression of anger over the car instantly faded as Kevin walked up to the house, Connor in tow, the two of them holding hands. 

Kevin steeled himself. Ready for whatever reaction his mother may have. 

She covered her mouth with her hand before she took a few steps forward. 

And then she pulled Kevin and Connor into a hug. 

She was a little shorter than Kevin, and a bit taller than Connor, so the hug was awkward and cramped, but if there was going to be a point at which Kevin was going to start crying, it would have been now.

-o0o- 

Connor spent the night with Kevin, and Kevin had no complaints. 

It was that night Kevin found out the reason why Connor always looked so tired. 

“Kevin, honey-,” Already starting with the nicknames, Kevin was melting- “I need to tell you something. I… God this is so embarrassing, I have really really bad night terrors.” 

“What?” 

“Every night, every night since I was eleven. I don’t sleep a lot because of them, and sometimes I’ll wake up crying and-.” 

“It’s okay, it’s alright Con.” 

“I don’t wake up screaming or anything, I just. I don’t want you to be worried if I wake up in the middle of the night and start crying.” 

“It’s okay,” Kevin repeated, reaching over he grabbed Connor’s hand and rubbed his thumb up and down Connor’s hand. It was so relaxing and Kevin could feel Connors nervousness going away. 

“If you wake up crying, I’ll hold you and you can just- fall asleep in my arms.” 

Connor’s face turned a scarlet red, “oh gosh.” He said, lifting his hands to try and cover the color.  
“That’s… Wow that’s super gay.” 

Kevin laughed and pulled Connor into his arms, and they stayed cuddling together for a long while. 

-o0o- 

While they had fallen asleep wrapped in each others arms, Kevin woke up to find himself alone. For a brief moment he panicked, afraid the events of yesterday had just been a dream. He sat up and looked around, hoping to see Connor somewhere- but nothing. 

Then he heard the sound of someone vomiting in his bathroom and he sprung up- Hurriedly rushing into the bathroom to find Connor, retching into his toilet. 

“Con are you okay??!” Kevin asked, obviously worried. 

“Kev, baby- I’m fine I-.” His words were cut short as he turned his head to vomit again. 

Kevin kneeled down next to him, rubbing Connor’s back as the boy was sick. 

After a while Connor finally was able to hold himself together. He took sips of water that Kevin had provided for him, his arm wrapped around himself as he forced himself to drink. Kevin felt as if he was drinking just for Kevin’s sake. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” 

“It won’t make sense.” 

“Try me.” 

“Kev… It’s a long story, and I’m going to start crying as I tell it.” 

Kevin gave him a patient smile, “let’s talk. Only if you want to.” 

“Not tonight, please. I will, I’ll tell you but just… Not tonight.” 

“Okay, okay, whenever you’re ready.” 

Connor smiled, “thank you.” 

-o0o- 

Summer came and graduation came as well. They had been allowed to decorate their caps, and while Kevin stuck with the normal black cap, Connor sported a bright pink and with yellow trimmed hat. With matching pink colored finger nails, courtesy of Naba. 

Kevin was valedictorian, of course. And he had made a special request to have Connor stand up there with him as he gave the final speech, he claimed he had stage fright and Connor would help. The school decided there could be no harm in it, and let him. 

During the final speech Kevin rambled on and on about the future, and acceptance, and several other things. And at the end of it, Connor kissed him in front of the entire school, somehow managing to dip him like they were dancing despite how small he was. And a majority of the school went wild, clapping and cheering for them. 

This definitely beat Orlando on Kevin’s best day ever list. 

-o0o- 

“I can’t stay with here anymore Kevin. I can’t I’m not safe- I-.” 

“Connor, slow down. I’m on my way to pick you up, just- Get somewhere safe, please.” 

“Kevin, please hurry. I’m scared, Kevin I-.” 

“I’m on my way babe, I’m on my way.” 

“Please hurry.” 

\-- 

Kevin pulled up to Connors house to find Connor out in the yard, which was a mess. Clothes and other personal items were thrown about the yard, making it look more than a dumpster than a front lawn. 

Kevin jumped out of his car, leaving it running as he ran to Connors side. 

It was easy to see what had happened, all of these clothes were Connors, everything out here was Connors. And Connor himself was sobbing as his dad threw more and more of his things out the front door, screaming. 

“I don’t want you to EVER come back here again! Disgusting fucking f-.” 

Kevin pulled Connor into his arms, refusing to let him hear his fathers words. 

“Come on, come on babe, let’s go.” Kevin said, pulling Connor away from the house despite Connor trying to go back. 

“If you EVER come back here again I’ll fucking kill you!” 

\--- 

Connor was a sobbing mess the entire way back to Kevin’s house, and it took an hour and a half to finally get Connor to calm down to the point of speaking. 

Without asking, Connor told Kevin everything, the therapy, the abuse, everything that had happened to him since he had been found kissing Steve Blade in his bedroom when he was fourteen. 

Kevin was so shocked by Connors words, for the first time since they had started dating, Kevin started crying as well. 

They held each other for hours as they cried, scared, so so scared, but never alone.

“Connor-.” Kevin hiccupped through his sobs, “Connor I love you. I’m never ever going to let anyone hurt you ever again, I promise.” 

Something between a sob and a laugh erupted from Connor, “I love you so much.” 

-o0o- 

Connor, Kevin, Arnold, and Naba had been living together for a month now. Kevin had more or less completely given up his faith, unable to deal with the pressure of the church after coming out, and even more so- Unable to trust any faith that had approved of the treatment of Connor and people like them. 

Kevin was in college to become a doctor along with Naba, Arnold was working, and Connor went into a musical theater major. 

He had the loveliest voice and a passion for acting like Kevin had never seen, he was truly something incredible. 

They were happy, truly happy. There were bumps, of course. Connor still woke up in the middle of the night crying, panicking, unable to shake off nightmares that still plagued him. But they were getting fewer and fewer by the month. 

And Kevin still worked himself to the bone, trying to excel at everything he did. And Connor would have to remind him he needed to take a break, and was always there supporting him and his work. 

-o0o-

It didn’t happen exactly the way he had planned, but one night Kevin woke up find Connor, clinging onto the bed sheets as he tried to stifle sobs. 

“Connor, are you okay?” Kevin asked, knowing the answer already. 

“No.” 

Kevin already had wrapped his arms around Connor, “do you want to talk about it.” 

“It was st-stupid.” 

“You can still talk about it.” 

“I… I had a dream that you left me.” 

Kevin was taken aback, “babe.” His voice was disbelieving. 

“I know.” 

“Never, never ever would I leave you. I love you.” 

“I know- I just-.” 

“Connor, I would marry you if you’d let me! I’m not going anywhere.” 

Connor froze and Kevin realized what he had said. 

“…Really?” Connor said, his tears subsiding. 

“Yes. Connor. I….” He paused, “Connor Mckinley, if you’d have me, would you marry me?” 

Connor started crying again, this time though, Kevin knew they were happy tears.

“Yes, yes, of course," Connor laughed through his tears, "Kevin I love you so much.” 

“I love you too, my beautiful, mess of a wonderful Fiancé.” 

 

And they were happy, oh god, were they happy.


End file.
